The Best Failed Adoption Ever: Elizabeth's Adoption Story Part 6

I know that a birth is nearly always beautiful, and that death can be beautiful as well, but I've never known (until just recently) that a failed adoption can be beautiful too.

I left Elizabeth in Oklahoma just one month ago, knowing that I would likely never see her again. Our adoption had failed, and it didn't feel beautiful at all. However, I must say that the four weeks following my return to Colorado have been unexpectedly blessed. There are two parts to this blog post, and both are worth reading.

Part 1

Just before Thanksgiving, I was up late one night, and it occurred to me that I might want to check my "Others" folder on Facebook. I was surprised to see a lengthy message from a person, whose name I had never seen before. I quickly realized the message was from Elizabeth's new mom. I couldn't believe my eyes! She introduced herself, told me about her family, her husband, and their four biological children, ages 18, 13, 9 and 4. She told me that they were believers and had always thrown around the idea of adopting or fostering, and that when they found out about Elizabeth, they were very excited and immediately said "yes."

Elizabeth's new mom wanted to let us know that she was in a safe, loving family, and that they were very open to having a relationship with us. This was a huge answer to prayer. God was giving us closure--and He cared enough about our hearts to let us know that Elizabeth was well.

"Zach!" I shouted. "They found my blog! Elizabeth's new family found my blog! And they are really nice, and she's okay!"

So, a couple of days later, Elizabeth's new mom and I had a phone date that lasted for about an hour and a half. I was able to do a hand-off of sorts, which was really healing for me. I gave her some tips, and told her some things I found to be helpful. Elizabeth's new mom hoped that we were not angry, and I told her that I wasn't angry at all, and I was just so grateful that she reached out to me. She thanked me for taking such good care of Elizabeth. She told me she is convinced that Elizabeth has a very strong calling on her life, and that I kept something terrible from happening to her.

We will get to see pictures of Elizabeth as she grows up. What a blessing! When her birthday comes around in February, it wont just be a sad day, with us hoping she is okay and wondering where she is. We will probably get to see a picture of her smiling in front of a cake with four candles burning brightly. And that changes everything.

This journey was never really about us getting another child. It has always been about Elizabeth, and about ensuring she is treasured and adored, and that she knows God's love for her. So, we honor her new family, we bless them and we cheer them on.

Part 2

What happened next is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced in my entire life. Earlier this month, the teaching pastor at our church (Luke Humbrecht), called us and asked if it would be okay for him to share some of our adoption story during his sermon on Sunday. We didn't know exactly what to expect, but we trust him and we said "yes."

This month, Pastor Luke has been doing a series of sermons inspired by Heidi Baker's book, "Birthing the Miraculous." It's been really good, and I definitely want to read the book. I have a deep admiration for Heidi--she is a remarkable woman of faith and has spent her life serving the poor in Mozambique, Africa.

So, this particular sermon was about our responding to God. It was about how saying "yes" to God does not guarantee ease or even a "successful" outcome. But that we still need to be brave and say "yes" to whatever He is asking us to do. Pastor Luke said that oftentimes we only share the highlights of our journeys--we only share the success stories, and that we actually need to get better about being real and about sharing times in our lives that did not work out as we had hoped.

Then, he put a picture of our family (with Elizabeth) up on the screen and explained a little bit about our journey, and how we had said "yes" to God, when we were asked to adopt Elizabeth. He honored us for being bold and fearless, and encouraged others in the congregation to take risks and to say "yes" to God, even if when the outcome is uncertain.

Then, he asked Zach and I to stand up, and much to our surprise, the entire congregation rose to their feet and applauded us for quite some time. It was such a powerful moment, and while I have been in church my entire life, I have never experienced beauty like this. Beauty in the mess.

And there is more. He explained that even a failed adoption can cost thousands and thousands of dollars, and he invited the members of the church to consider giving to our adopttogether.org account. Honestly, it seemed like a tough sell. I mean, who wants to give to a failed adoption?! We are part of an incredible church, guys. More people gave after Elizabeth's adoption had failed, than before it had failed. This just blows me away, and I'm pretty sure I will never get over it.

One of my very favorite things happened on the way home from a holiday party last Sunday evening. Zach and I were in separate cars, and at a stoplight, I checked my email on my phone. The email stated that a new gift had been given to our adopttogether.org account. Someone had anonymously given $500--wow! I called Zach, to tell him the good news, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for such a generous donation. Then, a little while after we got back home, I checked my email again, and did a double take. I had missed a zero.

"Zach, oh my goodness--I missed a zero. Someone gave us $5,000!"

We were just in shock. We have now received enough money to cover our attorney fees and our home study fees for Elizabeth's adoption. Never in a hundred years, would we have expected this!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Several people have asked how our family is doing. I'd say we are doing better than we thought was possible. God is so good. We do not understand all of the whys, but Elizabeth is safe, warm, and loved. And we are back together, our little family of five, resting in this moment, and celebrating the birth of Jesus together. It's been a pretty incredible month, and I don't know if we have ever felt so loved in all our lives.

Gratefully,
Kate

How Elizabeth's Adoption Went Down in Flames: Elizabeth's Adoption Story (part 5)

Our adoption of Elizabeth has failed. And it really doesn't seem fair. After spending about three months bonding with Elizabeth, her tribe (Osage Nation) brought the adoption to a halt. I am going to do my best to explain how it all went down.

I left Elizabeth in Oklahoma last week, and I drove back home to Colorado. I think of her constantly. I am somewhat distracted during the days, taking care of our three sons, and relearning how to run a household. I change the diapers, I tie the shoes, I make the soup. I put one foot in front of the other. But when I wake up during the night, Elizabeth is my first thought. I see her face, with her lips slightly parted, breathing deeply. I see her sleeping in a bed, but where is she? Are these strangers kind? Do they understand Elizabeth like I understand her? Do they realize what she has been through? Please tell me they are not yelling at her and spanking her. Please, God. Keep her safe.

My whole self feels bruised, and I am still in shock. I left our home to be with Elizabeth, back in August, when the neighborhood pool was still open. Someone spun me around and around, and suddenly stopped spinning me, and here I am, standing somewhat bewildered and wondering how there could possibly snow on the ground, and why we are about to celebrate the holidays. I feel so disoriented.

Everything was going according to plan with Elizabeth's adoption. Her birth father placed her in our legal custody, and my husband called and put Elizabeth on our family's insurance plan. He texted me a picture of her insurance card. Her name...with our last name, on something that felt official. We were getting there. I had all of her documents, her social security card, her Indian card, etc. I was feeling very much like her mom. I was taking her to the doctor, scrunching her curly hair in the mornings, and reminding her to use her manners. I was reading parenting books and taking classes on parenting kids from hard places. I was learning so many new things, and trying my best to be the mother she needed. Our whole family was excited to all be together again--soon. It was going to be a crazy hard life, but it was also going to be full of adventure and redemption. Life would never be comfortable again, but that was okay. Elizabeth deserved a family and a chance in this life. She was worth it. And God would give us strength.

It was near the end of October, and all of the adoption paperwork was submitted to the state of Oklahoma, and it was just going to be a week or two before we could drive home to Colorado. All we needed was a letter from the tribe, stating they were in support of the adoption. Just a sentence or two. Osage Nation does not have a reputation of intervening in adoptions, so we expected no trouble at all. I am a card-carrying Native American (Cherokee), and usually Cherokees are able adopt children from other tribes. 

When the tribe was notified of the adoption, the social workers from the tribe were absolutely livid. Enraged. They felt lied to. They were upset that Elizabeth's birth father did not involve them in the decision to place her for adoption. And even though it doesn't seem right, because of a federal law called Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), the tribe has more power than the birth parents. The law was never meant to be used like this. The social workers were angry with Elizabeth's birth father, and someone needed to pay. And unfortunately, this someone would be Elizabeth.

Our lawyer asked if the social workers would be willing to meet with our family, to discuss Elizabeth's adoption. And they agreed. So, in mid-November, Zach and I, and all four kids, drove up to Pawhuska, Oklahoma to meet with the tribe. We were expecting all kinds of favor. We just knew that when they saw us all together, and how Elizabeth had bonded with us, they would agree to her adoption. Nothing could have prepared us for the dark spiritual atmosphere in that conference room. There were five women, all social workers from the tribe, and their hearts were so hard. So very hard. Their minds were made up long before we (and our lawyer) walked into the room.  

They informed us, with straight faces, as though shedding light on the deeper meaning of life, that because Elizabeth was 1/16 Native American, that she would have major issues in life if she was severed from her Osage roots. Unless she learns the Osage language and hears the drums, her life will never make sense. She will never know who she is. She will always have issues with relationships. She will get divorces. I could not believe the words that were coming out of their mouths. Was this legitimate deception, or were they just being spiteful? 

Silly us. We thought Elizabeth's behavioral issues stemmed mostly from living in a meth house for the first 2 years of life, and from being in God-knows-how-many foster homes during her third year of life. We thought it came from being separated from her brother, from going hungry, and from being locked in a room, and covered in feces for hours on end. We thought she would have difficulty with bonding and trusting, because no one soothed her when she cried as a baby, and really because nobody ever gave a damn about her.

The social workers from Osage Nation searched high and low for a family member of Elizabeth's birth mom, whose parental rights were terminated by the state. Elizabeth's birth father did not want her anywhere near this family. The tribe found a second cousin of the birth mom, who says she is willing to take Elizabeth.  

We asked if there was any way we could meet this family, just to know that Elizabeth was safe. The answer was "no." I have a feeling that this second cousin, who has never met Elizabeth, has no clue what she is signing up for. I have a feeling that after a couple of weeks, she will call the social workers, and say "We can't handle her." Is there a chance that we might get a call in a few weeks, asking if we can take her back? Maybe so. 

We may never hear another word about Elizabeth. That is a possibility as well. But you know, if given the same situation, we would have done exactly the same thing. Truly. The events surrounding our meeting Elizabeth were astounding. I feel that we were in God's will, every step of the way. We were in the palm of His hand in that empty little rent house for 91 days, and we were in the palm of his hand, as we drove through Kansas, all of the way home. It was really hard, but we obeyed every step of the way, and we have no regrets. 

We fought as hard as we could, and in the end, felt that we would have a better chance at getting Elizabeth back, if we chose not to fight the tribe further. We were told by three different lawyers that even if we were permitted to bring Elizabeth to Colorado, and even if we had the resources (easily 50-100K) to fight the tribe for 2 years, that we only had a 50/50 chance of winning. And if we did win, the tribe could choose to appeal, and move the entire case into tribal court. We did not feel peace about dragging Elizabeth through a two year legal battle, with these kinds of odds. It would not be fair for her to bond with our entire family for two years, only to be ripped away. This law, the Indian Child Welfare Act, has to change. It's not just Elizabeth, who is being affected. It's not just "baby Veronica." This law takes hundreds of children out of loving and adoring homes, sometimes homes they have been in since birth. Even if a child is 1/256 Native American, the tribe can take the child away from everything they have ever known, and place them with complete strangers. It is just not okay. What about the best interest of the child? The tribe argues that this is in the best interest of the child.  

We cannot deny the fact that God brought Elizabeth into our lives, and while it is impossible to try to make sense of a situation like this, I am convinced that my time with Elizabeth was not wasted. I know it looks like a huge failure, but I know in my heart that we somehow succeeded, if only in loving well. I am under the impression that we may have protected Elizabeth from something unthinkable. 

Who knows what God has in mind? Maybe He will bring her back into our lives. We only know that He promises to work everything together for good, and we are holding onto that.

If you gave toward Elizabeth's adoption, please know that the money is not wasted. It helped us to pay for our Colorado home study and agency fees, and while we were not planning to adopt right now, this experience has positioned us to be able to adopt whichever child God brings into our family. 

Friends, you have been so generous to us. Thank you for helping us care for Levi and Max. Thank you Tulsa friends, for embracing us and for inviting us in. Nothing was wasted. Not one day, not one prayer, not one dollar. God has a plan for Elizabeth, and He is capable of bringing it to pass. We trust Him in the storm and He loves her more than we ever could. 

On my last night in Tulsa, Dr. Barbara Sorrels, an expert child psychologist (whose videos taught me so much about parenting Elizabeth) called me and gave me advice on how to tell Elizabeth that we would not be able to adopt her. I cannot describe how much her counsel meant to me. I felt incredibly favored, and blessed that she would take time to call me. And I took her advice.

During my last car ride with Elizabeth, our last trip to that same McDonalds parking lot, I told her that it was time for me to go back to Colorado, and that I was going to miss her so much. I told her that I loved our times together and that I was so proud of her. I told her there are three kinds of mommies:

There is a birth mommy, and a baby grows in a birth mommy's tummy. 

There is a foster mommy, and a foster mommy takes care of a child for a little while.

And there is a forever mommy--a mommy who loves you forever and ever.

I told her that I really, really wanted to be her forever mommy, but that adults have to follow the rules. And the people who make the rules are saying that I cannot be your forever mommy.

Elizabeth: "But, why mommy?" 

Me: "I don't know baby."

Elizabeth: "But I want to go to Colorado with Levi and Max."

Me: "I know baby. We want you to come to Colorado and be in our family too." "Today you are going to a new place, and you are going to meet some new people. And your are going to go to sleep in a new place. And I am driving back to Colorado."

Elizabeth: "I'll be good mommy." "I'll be good."

Fighting back tears, and trying to be strong, I put a smile on my face, and gave her one last hug. I unbuckled her car seat, and helped her down onto the pavement. I gave her back to her birth father, who was going to give her to someone from the tribe about 10 minutes later. He looked at me, defeated, and said, "We tried our best, didn't we?" I said, "We sure did. We did all we could." He thanked me for all that I did for Elizabeth and apologized for all we had been through. And then we said goodbye. Any that was it. I got back in my car, and headed back to Colorado.  

I felt encouraged on the way back to Colorado. Strangely, I was strong that day. Some days are okay, and some days are really hard. Sometimes I feel pretty down. It will take us a while to heal, and to get back into our rhythm as a family. And while nothing went as we had hoped with Elizabeth's adoption, this week, and always, we will choose gratitude.

Elizabeth, you taught me so much, and I have never met a child with such energy, life, and joy. I will never forget your dark, shiny eyes, and your gorgeous curly hair. I will never forget how hard you tried, and the joy on your face when you hugged me each morning. I will never forget the way it felt to have a daughter, and I will never stop praying for you.

Thank you friends, for loving our family and Elizabeth so well, these past several weeks. We could not ask for better friends and family, and we are so thankful. Thank you dear friends for reading this post and for caring for us deeply during this difficult journey.

Gratefully,

Kate 

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 4)

Hi friends! I just wanted to write a little update. I left Colorado 21 days ago. It was a long drive (12 hours) but Isaiah (13 months old) did surprisingly well and I had a good book on CD (The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom) to keep me company. The real secret to the trip going so well, though was bringing the baby bjorn potty chair to use in the van, while Isaiah was sleeping. It was a miracle folks. Needless to say, I was so glad to finally make it to Tulsa and to have the 700 mile trip behind us. We pulled into the driveway at 2 in the morning, and after some much-needed rest, we picked Elizabeth up at 11am. 

Elizabeth, Isaiah and I been together since that day, and things are going really well. I really like this girl! While parenting her is intense and constant, and while I feel like a therapist at times, I've been so encouraged because Elizabeth responds extremely well to my parenting style. Elizabeth has a tender heart and is so eager to please. It could be so much worse! We already have, in three weeks, what some adoptive parents work for years to attain. She tells me "You're cute mommy" and "I love you." She gives me hugs and is learning to trust that I will do what I say. She is scared that I will leave her in the car. She has a hard time with my wanting to get dressed in my room alone. She stands right by the door waiting for me. 

On most days, I see some hint of how much her little eyes have seen. One day we were sitting down for lunch, and she said "Mommy, please don't get in a police car." "Okay, sweetheart, I won't get into a police car." Our hardest times are sitting at the table for meals, awkward interactions with people in public (Elizabeth does not yet understand certain social norms, personal space, etc.) Then there is the fact that she calls lots of people "Daddy." Yeah, that's a little awkward too, but she does often say it to men that are caucasian with shaved heads--so you know, we're getting there! :) If you are standing by the fridge, and I'm not in the room, she'll call you "Mom" too. Elizabeth has a lot to learn, but I am so proud of how far she has come already. She plays wonderfully with other kids and loves for me to read her books. I brought fifty books from home to read to her! :)

When we found out we were adopting an older child, part of me was relieved that we would not be on the emotional roller coaster of waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, etc., but let me tell you, this has been its own special roller coaster. Every day is emotional. All I need is a nightmare of an adoption story, and the fear starts to grip me in a major way. I have to keep speaking truth to myself and allowing hope to grow, and fear to shrink. 

I am really missing Zach and Levi (6) and Max (5). I don't know when I will see them next. If I knew exactly when we will be coming home, this journey would be so much easier.  Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving them. Sometimes I forget that our children will be blessed to see us adopt. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the fact that our lives will never be the same.  Sometimes I count the cost, and I realize it is not small. Sometimes I realize that there is a lump in my throat and that I am just a swallow away from tears. 

Then, I think of all of the things that I have to be grateful for: amazing friends, my mom and dad nearby, a roof over my head, thoughtful gifts for Elizabeth, four beautiful children, my health, and clean water to drink. The list goes on. 

Here are some pictures from our journey so far! Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers! 

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's room

Mom & daughter at the zoo

At Riverside. We go to the park nearly every day!

Such a beautiful gift from my friend Jessica!

Our kitchen at the rent house.

Our living space

This boy has my heart!

Beautiful Elizabeth.

Admiring herself in the mirror :)

Fun in our friend's backyard

Playing in my parents' driveway

A bit of preschool here and there!

Me and my girl!

Elizabeth had a firm grip on the goat, and was saying, "Now you look here at me, goat!" 

Loving the Tulsa Zoo.

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 3)

When we arrived at my parents' house in Tulsa on Tuesday, July 15th, we could hardly think of anything besides the fact that we would be picking up Elizabeth on Thursday afternoon. It was still hard to grasp that this was really happening! We were so excited to see her again!

When we got to our meeting place on Thursday, Elizabeth was already playing up in a tunnel at the play area, and we sat down to talk with her birth father and his wife. We visited for about 30 minutes, before deciding to go our separate ways. Her birth father and his wife were easy to talk with, but Elizabeth was being a bit spunky and she could definitely tell something was up. My heart ached for her. 

She told us that she did not know us and that we were not her best friends. She told us that her fruit snacks were for her and her alone. Her birth father and his wife (who rarely see Elizabeth) said things like "We're so sorry, we've never seen her act like this before."

All the while, I'm thinking, "Yeah, right..." and at the same time, thinking to myself "This is actually a good sign. This is a normal response to a very abnormal situation."

When we were ready to go, Elizabeth's birth father handed me her small royal blue duffle bag. It was clearly something given to children in foster care, with a laminated tag that said "girl" and white words that said "my stuff" on the side of the bag. Inside was one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, a pair of sandals, one set of PJs, one dress, one shirt, one pair of leggings, and a small zipper bag with a tooth brush inside. Oh yes, there was a barbie too. I am pretty sure these are all of her belongings. Elizabeth is going to need a little trip to Target! ;)

We were hoping that getting her into her car seat in our car would not involve kicking and screaming, and curious looks from people in the parking lot, and thankfully it did not. Everything went smoothly. We took Elizabeth up to the counter at McDonalds and bought her a little yogurt (a "go-gurt" to be exact) and two extras to give Levi and Max, for when we got to Grammy and Papa's house. She was excited to give yogurt to "the boys." This would be her first time to meet Levi, Max, and Isaiah.

Elizabeth sucks on her third and fourth fingers when she is sleepy 

That first night, she played and wrestled, and laughed a lot.  (There is always a lot of wrestling on the living room floor when we are at my mom and dad's house!) Elizabeth is tough little girl, and loves to play outside. At one point, my brother Will walked in, and Elizabeth greeted him, by showing him the braids on the back of her head, and saying "see my pretty hair?" We were all amused by her little crush.

Elizabeth playing with cousin Grace at Isaiah's birthday party

At another point that evening, Max did not get his way, and was sulking on the couch, having a bit of a dramatic moment. Elizabeth walked right up to Max, put her finger (and her face) right close to his, and said authoritatively, "One...Two...Stop Cryin'!" It was hilarious. Max looked at her in complete shock like "Who are you, to tell me what to do?" But before long, they were playing together like close friends. Elizabeth's little southern accent is adorable, by the way. At one point she was playing with a Melissa and Doug transportation puzzle, when she picked up the chunky police car puzzle piece, and looked up and said "He gon' kill you." So funny! We tried to hold back our laughter and tears...we told her that police men were there to keep her safe, but she definitely wasn't buying that. Not for one minute. We'll come back to that later ;)

A family shot from Isaiah's party

When it was time to get ready for bed, I said to Elizabeth, "say goodnight to the boys." She went over to Max and looked him right in the eyes, and said "Goodnight....boy." Elizabeth was resistant about going to bed. Most children are reluctant to go to bed, but this was different. I couldn't help but wonder how many hours she spent in her crib as a baby, crying and crying. 

In our first meeting with him, Elizabeth's birth father told us that her needs often went unmet. She often went without food and was locked in her room, and stayed in dirty diapers for way too long. No one rocked her, so she learned to take care of herself. "She's a fighter," he said, with sadness in his voice. Elizabeth would put herself to sleep on a window ledge or in a closet. At one point her birth father said, "Her mom was supposed to take care of her, but she didn't." It was sad when I found myself thinking, "If only she could have been in an orphanage."

I laid down with Elizabeth that first night, and she did fine. I was so glad that she didn't push me away. She let me tickle her arm gently and sing to her. I sang "Jesus loves me" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She fell asleep and slept all night. Sweet relief. And she stayed dry all night too. Given her history, we were not necessarily expecting her to be fully potty-trained, but it's awesome that she is. Woohoo!

Elizabeth wanted to sleep with Levi and Max

The next two nights, we gave Elizabeth the option of sleeping on the pallet with Levi and Max, and she chose to sleep with them. They all did really well together. We couldn't believe how she fit right in. With the exception of crying when it was time to get ready for bed, Elizabeth did not throw one fit or anything the whole time she was with us. Not bad for a three year old! She did way better than what we were anticipating.

When Elizabeth meets new people, or when people approach her in a new environment, she might say "No way" or "I don't know you." It's a little awkward, but completely understandable at the same time. So, just a little piece of advice-- when you meet Elizabeth, just give her a little space and time.  Don't come up to her with arms outstretched. Give her five or ten minutes and let her be the one to offer you a hug, or come and sit on your lap.

Cuddle time with Grammy

We quickly became Elizabeth's safe haven. If she was scared, or if something was new or uncomfortable, we became the ones to which she would run for comfort.

Ice cream, as promised!

Additionally, Elizabeth was very sweet with Isaiah, or "zay-ah" as she would say. She was eager to help give him his bottles and pat him on the back, etc. She loved playing with Levi and Max, and at one point, when the kids were watching a show, she pointed over to Levi and said to me "He's my brother." Oh. my. heart.

A good big sister

Then, as we were walking out of the courthouse after Isaiah's adoption finalization, she grabbed Max's hand to hold it, and looked into his eyes, and said "You're my best friend." Max's eyes lit up, and he was thrilled and said, "Mom, did you hear Elizabeth? She said I'm her best friend!" They walked hand and hand all of the way to the car.

And it may go without saying, but we did not say things like "We are your new family" or "We are your mommy and daddy, and these are your brothers." No way. We will wait for all of that until we are further into the adoption process.

That being said, the second night we had Elizabeth, Zach was going out to the car to get the travel crib for Isaiah, and Elizabeth quickly grabbed her shoes and said "I want to go with Daddy!" Zach and I looked at each other, with eyes as big as saucers, like "Did she just say that?" After that night, we still referred to ourselves as "Zach" and "Kate" but she consistently called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." Wow.

On Sunday afternoon, we took Elizabeth back to our meeting place to give her back to her birth father. We got back in our car, and headed to Colorado just a few hours later. 

So what is the plan for our family now? Where do we go from here? Well, Isaiah and I are going to go Tulsa for two months (from August twenty-something to October twenty-something) to be with Elizabeth full-time. We need to wait for an October 9th court date to pass, before we can bring her home. Also, she does not have a safe place to live after August 19th, so my mom will watch her for a few days, then I will come out to be with her. 

Zach is going to stay here in Colorado with Levi and Max, and man, are we going to miss each other! Zach works some from home during the weekdays, but can take care of Levi and Max, Monday through Friday. And on the weekends, when Zach is working long hours, a small collection of dear friends, along with my brother Nick and his girlfriend, Brittany, will be taking turns caring for Levi and/or Max. The boys will be so excited about all of the sleepovers they get to have!  

Just playing in our backyard. Enjoying our last two weeks of "normal life." 

Zach will definitely be challenged in fixing three meals a day, packing lunches, and educating them (did I mention they are home schooled, except for one day a week?!) He'll do great though, and we will all make it through this season. I will be challenged as well, in letting go, and being okay with the fact that my boys may eat nothing besides nachos for two months, in living at our unfurnished rental home, that is on the market, and keeping it ready for showings at all times. As you can imagine, I have several checklists of things I need to do before I go, things I need to pack for Tulsa, things we need for Elizabeth, things I need to get in order for the boys' schooling, three home study visits to complete (when the social worker from the adoption agency comes to your house to check it out and to interview the adoptive family,) not to mention a visit from some of our sweet friends from Austin, Texas. I am a busy lady! And I am focused in a way that a laboring momma might be. I have not been as social as normal, and am just focusing on the path in front of me. While I have a lot on my plate, I am also trying to savor these last couple of weeks of us being together--our last days of being a family of five.

I will be staying in an unfurnished house, but my mom and dad will help hook us up with beds, a table, and a few dishes. We will be living out of plastic storage bins, which will be reminiscent of our time in Mozambique 3 years ago. 

Elizabeth does not appear to know her colors, or her alphabet, etc., so I am very excited to start doing some preschool with her. I am hoping she will let me read her lots of books, and that we can get her up to speed before Kindergarten starts in two years. What a blessing it is that we have two years to work with her!

Our family loves books!

In addition to hanging out with Isaiah and Elizabeth, I have no other plans for my time in Tulsa. So,  Tulsa friends, if you should invite me over for a play date, or for dinner, my answer will be "yes!" I would love to come and spend time with you and your family! I will be busy in some ways, but quite lonely in others. Adult conversation will be so good for my heart!

I will be treasuring my time with Elizabeth and Isaiah, but at the same time, I will be aching for home and for my family, and for what is sure to be a gorgeous autumn in Colorado.

It is going to be an exciting day, when we are finally granted permission from the state of Oklahoma to bring Elizabeth home, and are able to all be together again.

When we came home from Oklahoma in mid-July, I said to Levi, "Elizabeth does not have a loving family to live with. Do you think we might be able to be a good family for her?" He responded immediately "Of course we can! We can totally be her family."

So, there you have it. That is the whole story. I will write another post when we get settled in Tulsa.

Thank you for reading part 3! Your encouraging words mean the world to us. Thank you for sharing in this crazy journey! :)

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 2)

If you have not read part one of Elizabeth's adoption story, you are welcome to read it here. I will pick up where I left off with Elizabeth's story. We were finishing up the meeting at the adoption agency, and it was clear that Elizabeth's father felt we were the perfect family for his little girl. The meeting had gone as well as it possibly could.

Before we left the building, Elizabeth motioned that she wanted to tell me something, so I leaned down and she smiled and said, "I like ice cream." I told her that I liked ice cream too, and suggested we get ice cream together next time we see each other. Elizabeth seemed pleased with this plan, and as we were walking out to our cars with her birth father that evening, I said "It's funny, but 'Elizabeth' is actually my middle name." He got a huge smile on his face, and said, "I'm telling you, I really feel that this was all just meant to be." Okay, so I realize Elizabeth is a fairly common middle name for little girls born in 1980, but still, it's a detail we couldn't help but notice, especially since our five year old "Max" has my husband Zach's middle name. We left the meeting that night and went to pick up Levi, Max and Isaiah from our friends' house. Thank you Nathan and Shannon Phillips, for the wonderful chicken taco dinner, and for being so kind to watch our boys during our first meeting with Elizabeth! Our family of five drove back to my parents' house that night, filled with wonder, excitement, and many more questions than answers.

For the next couple of days, Elizabeth's birth father and I texted back and forth, and then one afternoon, we were texting, and I sent him a message, and did not get a response. I did not hear back from him that day, or that week, or for the rest of the month. I was so thankful that I had at least taken a quick picture of Elizabeth with my phone, because if I hadn't, the whole meeting and this sweet little girl would have seemed like nothing more than a dream. It was evident that God brought the whole thing together--the timing of events was incredible.

But would we ever hear from the birth father again? It was completely out of our hands. I had tons of questions. Why did he stop texting? I couldn't think of anything "wrong" that I said or did. Our conversation stopped abruptly. Did something happen? Did she have a significant bruise that needed to heal before we could see her again? Did he change his mind about wanting to place her for adoption? Was she taken back into DHS custody and placed with a foster family? Will we ever see her again? 

After a couple of weeks of not hearing from him, I emailed the adoption agency and gave them an update, telling them I felt it was unlikely we would ever hear from him again. Zach and I committed in our hearts to praying for Elizabeth- praying that she would know God's love and that He would keep her safe. We resolved to think that perhaps this was the purpose in our meeting her, to pray for her. We comforted ourselves, saying it would have probably been a very difficult road to parent a child who had been through so much, anyway. But something still felt unsettled. When God is writing a story, it should not end after chapter one, you know?

Life went on as normal and in late June (about two weeks after our initial encounter with Elizabeth) we received the news that we were going to be able to finalize Isaiah's adoption (in Tulsa) on his first birthday, July 18th. We weren't exactly thrilled about the idea of another long road trip, only one month after our last trip to Tulsa, but we were thrilled to have a date on the calendar for Isaiah's adoption finalization. Adoption days are a big deal, partly because the child goes into the court room with one last name, and comes out with with the adoptive family's last name.  It is a day to celebrate!

After not hearing anything from Elizabeth's birth father for quite some time, we started to move on with our lives, enjoy the summer, and plan yet another trip to Tulsa. We decided we would leave for Tulsa on July 16th and come back home on the 20th.

On July 15th, I was upstairs packing for the trip, and I heard my phone chime, indicating I had received a text message. I finished up what I was doing, and obediently came down to check my phone a few minutes later.

It was him! It was Elizabeth's birth father. I had three text messages from him, apologizing for the lack of contact, and explaining how he had run out of minutes, then lost his phone, etc. "Zach!" I exclaimed. "It's Elizabeth's birth father. He says he still definitely wants to place Elizabeth with us, if we are still willing." And that is the moment our lives turned upside down, and for real this time. I texted him back and told him yes, that we would still be very excited to add Elizabeth to our family. Then I texted, "It's kind of funny, but we are actually leaving for Tulsa tomorrow and will be there through the weekend." He was amazed at the timing of everything, and we were too.


We were going to get to see her again! And this time we would get to spend three days and three nights with her. What would she be like? How would she get along with the boys? Would she do okay? While I was disappointed in myself for letting go of hope during that phase of our journey, I committed to letting my love outweigh my fear for the remainder of Elizabeth's adoption journey. It is clear that God has a plan for Elizabeth, and for our family. We are simply saying "yes!" to being part of that plan. We are saying yes to the good and the bad, yes to hard days, difficult moments, and to the beautiful redemption that will make it all so worth it.

We are confident that God has placed Elizabeth in our family, and that He will give us everything we need to be the parents (and family) she needs. It is going to be awesome! Part 3 of Elizabeth's adoption story will be fun to write, because I have some sweet stories about our three days together. You will get a glimpse of Elizabeth's fun personality and I will also share what the next few months are going to look like for our family. Thank you for adventuring with us and for cheering us on! We are thankful for each one of you.

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 1)

How it all began- So it's funny, but back in October of 2013, my photographer friend Shannon Kaple Photographer took a beautiful picture of our family, with our newly adopted baby boy, Isaiah.  

One day in mid November, Shannon delivered the canvass, and we hung it up on the wall. Every time I walked by it, I felt so blessed to have a professional picture of our family. But let me tell you, there was something strange about that picture. I told Zach later that night, "I almost can't even look at that new picture on our wall, because it is kind of freaking me out. When I look at it, I see a little girl (about 2 years old) standing to the left of Levi. She's brown, and she's wearing a light dress, either white, or a pale yellow." I told a few of my close friends, and just thought it was really weird.

 

Back in May of 2013, when we were chosen to be Isaiah's parents, we promised his birth mom that we would adopt another child that was either African, or African-American. It was very important to her. Was she not so wise and loving to make that request of us?! She wants Isaiah to have someone in his family that looks a little bit like him. She would tell me, "I know you've always wanted to adopt a little girl from Africa, but I'm pretty sure she's coming from Oklahoma, and I think she's going to be older than Isaiah." Well, that's nice and everything, and we would be totally open to that, but the agency we work with does not do a lot of "older child" adoptions, I'd say maybe one every two or three years. And the chance of the child being a girl, and being African-American, and her birth family choosing us--well, it just seemed impossible. Can I just say how I love that Isaiah's birth mom has been such a big part of this story. She's awesome!

So, let's fast forward to June 10th, 2014. Our family had traveled from Colorado to Tulsa, Oklahoma, for the dreaded task getting our rental property near TU (University of Tulsa) ready to put on the market. Not my kind of vacation! When we are in Tulsa, I really look forward to going to birth mom support group on Tuesday nights with Isaiah's birth mom. At support group, we all go around the circle and share who we are, what's going on in our lives, etc. When it was my turn to share, the adoption director asked if we might be turning in another life book soon, and hinted that there was an infant coming later in the year, for which we might be a good fit. (Our adoption agency can always use Native American families, and I am Cherokee.) That was kind of neat to hear, but then Isaiah's birth mom responded to the whole group, with such authority "You know, I really do not think the Wicars will be adopting a baby. They are going to adopt a little girl, and she's going to be brown, and she's going to be like 2 or 3." It seemed a bit random, really. The rest of group was uneventful, and it finished up, and we all went home.

The very next day, the adoption agency received a call from a birth father. "Hi, my name is _____, and I am needing to make an adoption plan for my 3 year old daughter, Elizabeth." And when he told them that she was African American and Native American, everyone at the agency had a flashback to the night before and thought "Oh my gosh--the Wicars!" We met Elizabeth and her birth father for the first time that same evening.

Elizabeth was playing with toys in the room, while her birth father shared her story with us. It is a sad story that I will not write about in great detail, but it involves severe neglect, addiction, several months in foster care, and ends with Elizabeth being released from foster care, to a birth father who feels that adoption is the best option for his little girl. At one point, I got down on the floor to play with Elizabeth, and she came and sat in my lap, and whispered quietly in my ear, "I'm going home with you." It was amazing to meet her, and think "Oh my goodness, is this really our daughter?!" Isn't this picture of Zach and Elizabeth, just the sweetest?

So that is all I have time to write at the moment, but I will write part 2 of Elizabeth's adoption story soon. Thank you for reading, for caring about us, and for loving us through this wild and wonderful season!

Gratefully,

Kate

Fun at Sunflower Farm