Elizabeth's adoption story (part 3)

When we arrived at my parents' house in Tulsa on Tuesday, July 15th, we could hardly think of anything besides the fact that we would be picking up Elizabeth on Thursday afternoon. It was still hard to grasp that this was really happening! We were so excited to see her again!

When we got to our meeting place on Thursday, Elizabeth was already playing up in a tunnel at the play area, and we sat down to talk with her birth father and his wife. We visited for about 30 minutes, before deciding to go our separate ways. Her birth father and his wife were easy to talk with, but Elizabeth was being a bit spunky and she could definitely tell something was up. My heart ached for her. 

She told us that she did not know us and that we were not her best friends. She told us that her fruit snacks were for her and her alone. Her birth father and his wife (who rarely see Elizabeth) said things like "We're so sorry, we've never seen her act like this before."

All the while, I'm thinking, "Yeah, right..." and at the same time, thinking to myself "This is actually a good sign. This is a normal response to a very abnormal situation."

When we were ready to go, Elizabeth's birth father handed me her small royal blue duffle bag. It was clearly something given to children in foster care, with a laminated tag that said "girl" and white words that said "my stuff" on the side of the bag. Inside was one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, a pair of sandals, one set of PJs, one dress, one shirt, one pair of leggings, and a small zipper bag with a tooth brush inside. Oh yes, there was a barbie too. I am pretty sure these are all of her belongings. Elizabeth is going to need a little trip to Target! ;)

We were hoping that getting her into her car seat in our car would not involve kicking and screaming, and curious looks from people in the parking lot, and thankfully it did not. Everything went smoothly. We took Elizabeth up to the counter at McDonalds and bought her a little yogurt (a "go-gurt" to be exact) and two extras to give Levi and Max, for when we got to Grammy and Papa's house. She was excited to give yogurt to "the boys." This would be her first time to meet Levi, Max, and Isaiah.

Elizabeth sucks on her third and fourth fingers when she is sleepy 

That first night, she played and wrestled, and laughed a lot.  (There is always a lot of wrestling on the living room floor when we are at my mom and dad's house!) Elizabeth is tough little girl, and loves to play outside. At one point, my brother Will walked in, and Elizabeth greeted him, by showing him the braids on the back of her head, and saying "see my pretty hair?" We were all amused by her little crush.

Elizabeth playing with cousin Grace at Isaiah's birthday party

At another point that evening, Max did not get his way, and was sulking on the couch, having a bit of a dramatic moment. Elizabeth walked right up to Max, put her finger (and her face) right close to his, and said authoritatively, "One...Two...Stop Cryin'!" It was hilarious. Max looked at her in complete shock like "Who are you, to tell me what to do?" But before long, they were playing together like close friends. Elizabeth's little southern accent is adorable, by the way. At one point she was playing with a Melissa and Doug transportation puzzle, when she picked up the chunky police car puzzle piece, and looked up and said "He gon' kill you." So funny! We tried to hold back our laughter and tears...we told her that police men were there to keep her safe, but she definitely wasn't buying that. Not for one minute. We'll come back to that later ;)

A family shot from Isaiah's party

When it was time to get ready for bed, I said to Elizabeth, "say goodnight to the boys." She went over to Max and looked him right in the eyes, and said "Goodnight....boy." Elizabeth was resistant about going to bed. Most children are reluctant to go to bed, but this was different. I couldn't help but wonder how many hours she spent in her crib as a baby, crying and crying. 

In our first meeting with him, Elizabeth's birth father told us that her needs often went unmet. She often went without food and was locked in her room, and stayed in dirty diapers for way too long. No one rocked her, so she learned to take care of herself. "She's a fighter," he said, with sadness in his voice. Elizabeth would put herself to sleep on a window ledge or in a closet. At one point her birth father said, "Her mom was supposed to take care of her, but she didn't." It was sad when I found myself thinking, "If only she could have been in an orphanage."

I laid down with Elizabeth that first night, and she did fine. I was so glad that she didn't push me away. She let me tickle her arm gently and sing to her. I sang "Jesus loves me" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She fell asleep and slept all night. Sweet relief. And she stayed dry all night too. Given her history, we were not necessarily expecting her to be fully potty-trained, but it's awesome that she is. Woohoo!

Elizabeth wanted to sleep with Levi and Max

The next two nights, we gave Elizabeth the option of sleeping on the pallet with Levi and Max, and she chose to sleep with them. They all did really well together. We couldn't believe how she fit right in. With the exception of crying when it was time to get ready for bed, Elizabeth did not throw one fit or anything the whole time she was with us. Not bad for a three year old! She did way better than what we were anticipating.

When Elizabeth meets new people, or when people approach her in a new environment, she might say "No way" or "I don't know you." It's a little awkward, but completely understandable at the same time. So, just a little piece of advice-- when you meet Elizabeth, just give her a little space and time.  Don't come up to her with arms outstretched. Give her five or ten minutes and let her be the one to offer you a hug, or come and sit on your lap.

Cuddle time with Grammy

We quickly became Elizabeth's safe haven. If she was scared, or if something was new or uncomfortable, we became the ones to which she would run for comfort.

Ice cream, as promised!

Additionally, Elizabeth was very sweet with Isaiah, or "zay-ah" as she would say. She was eager to help give him his bottles and pat him on the back, etc. She loved playing with Levi and Max, and at one point, when the kids were watching a show, she pointed over to Levi and said to me "He's my brother." Oh. my. heart.

A good big sister

Then, as we were walking out of the courthouse after Isaiah's adoption finalization, she grabbed Max's hand to hold it, and looked into his eyes, and said "You're my best friend." Max's eyes lit up, and he was thrilled and said, "Mom, did you hear Elizabeth? She said I'm her best friend!" They walked hand and hand all of the way to the car.

And it may go without saying, but we did not say things like "We are your new family" or "We are your mommy and daddy, and these are your brothers." No way. We will wait for all of that until we are further into the adoption process.

That being said, the second night we had Elizabeth, Zach was going out to the car to get the travel crib for Isaiah, and Elizabeth quickly grabbed her shoes and said "I want to go with Daddy!" Zach and I looked at each other, with eyes as big as saucers, like "Did she just say that?" After that night, we still referred to ourselves as "Zach" and "Kate" but she consistently called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." Wow.

On Sunday afternoon, we took Elizabeth back to our meeting place to give her back to her birth father. We got back in our car, and headed to Colorado just a few hours later. 

So what is the plan for our family now? Where do we go from here? Well, Isaiah and I are going to go Tulsa for two months (from August twenty-something to October twenty-something) to be with Elizabeth full-time. We need to wait for an October 9th court date to pass, before we can bring her home. Also, she does not have a safe place to live after August 19th, so my mom will watch her for a few days, then I will come out to be with her. 

Zach is going to stay here in Colorado with Levi and Max, and man, are we going to miss each other! Zach works some from home during the weekdays, but can take care of Levi and Max, Monday through Friday. And on the weekends, when Zach is working long hours, a small collection of dear friends, along with my brother Nick and his girlfriend, Brittany, will be taking turns caring for Levi and/or Max. The boys will be so excited about all of the sleepovers they get to have!  

Just playing in our backyard. Enjoying our last two weeks of "normal life." 

Zach will definitely be challenged in fixing three meals a day, packing lunches, and educating them (did I mention they are home schooled, except for one day a week?!) He'll do great though, and we will all make it through this season. I will be challenged as well, in letting go, and being okay with the fact that my boys may eat nothing besides nachos for two months, in living at our unfurnished rental home, that is on the market, and keeping it ready for showings at all times. As you can imagine, I have several checklists of things I need to do before I go, things I need to pack for Tulsa, things we need for Elizabeth, things I need to get in order for the boys' schooling, three home study visits to complete (when the social worker from the adoption agency comes to your house to check it out and to interview the adoptive family,) not to mention a visit from some of our sweet friends from Austin, Texas. I am a busy lady! And I am focused in a way that a laboring momma might be. I have not been as social as normal, and am just focusing on the path in front of me. While I have a lot on my plate, I am also trying to savor these last couple of weeks of us being together--our last days of being a family of five.

I will be staying in an unfurnished house, but my mom and dad will help hook us up with beds, a table, and a few dishes. We will be living out of plastic storage bins, which will be reminiscent of our time in Mozambique 3 years ago. 

Elizabeth does not appear to know her colors, or her alphabet, etc., so I am very excited to start doing some preschool with her. I am hoping she will let me read her lots of books, and that we can get her up to speed before Kindergarten starts in two years. What a blessing it is that we have two years to work with her!

Our family loves books!

In addition to hanging out with Isaiah and Elizabeth, I have no other plans for my time in Tulsa. So,  Tulsa friends, if you should invite me over for a play date, or for dinner, my answer will be "yes!" I would love to come and spend time with you and your family! I will be busy in some ways, but quite lonely in others. Adult conversation will be so good for my heart!

I will be treasuring my time with Elizabeth and Isaiah, but at the same time, I will be aching for home and for my family, and for what is sure to be a gorgeous autumn in Colorado.

It is going to be an exciting day, when we are finally granted permission from the state of Oklahoma to bring Elizabeth home, and are able to all be together again.

When we came home from Oklahoma in mid-July, I said to Levi, "Elizabeth does not have a loving family to live with. Do you think we might be able to be a good family for her?" He responded immediately "Of course we can! We can totally be her family."

So, there you have it. That is the whole story. I will write another post when we get settled in Tulsa.

Thank you for reading part 3! Your encouraging words mean the world to us. Thank you for sharing in this crazy journey! :)

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 2)

If you have not read part one of Elizabeth's adoption story, you are welcome to read it here. I will pick up where I left off with Elizabeth's story. We were finishing up the meeting at the adoption agency, and it was clear that Elizabeth's father felt we were the perfect family for his little girl. The meeting had gone as well as it possibly could.

Before we left the building, Elizabeth motioned that she wanted to tell me something, so I leaned down and she smiled and said, "I like ice cream." I told her that I liked ice cream too, and suggested we get ice cream together next time we see each other. Elizabeth seemed pleased with this plan, and as we were walking out to our cars with her birth father that evening, I said "It's funny, but 'Elizabeth' is actually my middle name." He got a huge smile on his face, and said, "I'm telling you, I really feel that this was all just meant to be." Okay, so I realize Elizabeth is a fairly common middle name for little girls born in 1980, but still, it's a detail we couldn't help but notice, especially since our five year old "Max" has my husband Zach's middle name. We left the meeting that night and went to pick up Levi, Max and Isaiah from our friends' house. Thank you Nathan and Shannon Phillips, for the wonderful chicken taco dinner, and for being so kind to watch our boys during our first meeting with Elizabeth! Our family of five drove back to my parents' house that night, filled with wonder, excitement, and many more questions than answers.

For the next couple of days, Elizabeth's birth father and I texted back and forth, and then one afternoon, we were texting, and I sent him a message, and did not get a response. I did not hear back from him that day, or that week, or for the rest of the month. I was so thankful that I had at least taken a quick picture of Elizabeth with my phone, because if I hadn't, the whole meeting and this sweet little girl would have seemed like nothing more than a dream. It was evident that God brought the whole thing together--the timing of events was incredible.

But would we ever hear from the birth father again? It was completely out of our hands. I had tons of questions. Why did he stop texting? I couldn't think of anything "wrong" that I said or did. Our conversation stopped abruptly. Did something happen? Did she have a significant bruise that needed to heal before we could see her again? Did he change his mind about wanting to place her for adoption? Was she taken back into DHS custody and placed with a foster family? Will we ever see her again? 

After a couple of weeks of not hearing from him, I emailed the adoption agency and gave them an update, telling them I felt it was unlikely we would ever hear from him again. Zach and I committed in our hearts to praying for Elizabeth- praying that she would know God's love and that He would keep her safe. We resolved to think that perhaps this was the purpose in our meeting her, to pray for her. We comforted ourselves, saying it would have probably been a very difficult road to parent a child who had been through so much, anyway. But something still felt unsettled. When God is writing a story, it should not end after chapter one, you know?

Life went on as normal and in late June (about two weeks after our initial encounter with Elizabeth) we received the news that we were going to be able to finalize Isaiah's adoption (in Tulsa) on his first birthday, July 18th. We weren't exactly thrilled about the idea of another long road trip, only one month after our last trip to Tulsa, but we were thrilled to have a date on the calendar for Isaiah's adoption finalization. Adoption days are a big deal, partly because the child goes into the court room with one last name, and comes out with with the adoptive family's last name.  It is a day to celebrate!

After not hearing anything from Elizabeth's birth father for quite some time, we started to move on with our lives, enjoy the summer, and plan yet another trip to Tulsa. We decided we would leave for Tulsa on July 16th and come back home on the 20th.

On July 15th, I was upstairs packing for the trip, and I heard my phone chime, indicating I had received a text message. I finished up what I was doing, and obediently came down to check my phone a few minutes later.

It was him! It was Elizabeth's birth father. I had three text messages from him, apologizing for the lack of contact, and explaining how he had run out of minutes, then lost his phone, etc. "Zach!" I exclaimed. "It's Elizabeth's birth father. He says he still definitely wants to place Elizabeth with us, if we are still willing." And that is the moment our lives turned upside down, and for real this time. I texted him back and told him yes, that we would still be very excited to add Elizabeth to our family. Then I texted, "It's kind of funny, but we are actually leaving for Tulsa tomorrow and will be there through the weekend." He was amazed at the timing of everything, and we were too.


We were going to get to see her again! And this time we would get to spend three days and three nights with her. What would she be like? How would she get along with the boys? Would she do okay? While I was disappointed in myself for letting go of hope during that phase of our journey, I committed to letting my love outweigh my fear for the remainder of Elizabeth's adoption journey. It is clear that God has a plan for Elizabeth, and for our family. We are simply saying "yes!" to being part of that plan. We are saying yes to the good and the bad, yes to hard days, difficult moments, and to the beautiful redemption that will make it all so worth it.

We are confident that God has placed Elizabeth in our family, and that He will give us everything we need to be the parents (and family) she needs. It is going to be awesome! Part 3 of Elizabeth's adoption story will be fun to write, because I have some sweet stories about our three days together. You will get a glimpse of Elizabeth's fun personality and I will also share what the next few months are going to look like for our family. Thank you for adventuring with us and for cheering us on! We are thankful for each one of you.

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 1)

How it all began- So it's funny, but back in October of 2013, my photographer friend Shannon Kaple Photographer took a beautiful picture of our family, with our newly adopted baby boy, Isaiah.  

One day in mid November, Shannon delivered the canvass, and we hung it up on the wall. Every time I walked by it, I felt so blessed to have a professional picture of our family. But let me tell you, there was something strange about that picture. I told Zach later that night, "I almost can't even look at that new picture on our wall, because it is kind of freaking me out. When I look at it, I see a little girl (about 2 years old) standing to the left of Levi. She's brown, and she's wearing a light dress, either white, or a pale yellow." I told a few of my close friends, and just thought it was really weird.

 

Back in May of 2013, when we were chosen to be Isaiah's parents, we promised his birth mom that we would adopt another child that was either African, or African-American. It was very important to her. Was she not so wise and loving to make that request of us?! She wants Isaiah to have someone in his family that looks a little bit like him. She would tell me, "I know you've always wanted to adopt a little girl from Africa, but I'm pretty sure she's coming from Oklahoma, and I think she's going to be older than Isaiah." Well, that's nice and everything, and we would be totally open to that, but the agency we work with does not do a lot of "older child" adoptions, I'd say maybe one every two or three years. And the chance of the child being a girl, and being African-American, and her birth family choosing us--well, it just seemed impossible. Can I just say how I love that Isaiah's birth mom has been such a big part of this story. She's awesome!

So, let's fast forward to June 10th, 2014. Our family had traveled from Colorado to Tulsa, Oklahoma, for the dreaded task getting our rental property near TU (University of Tulsa) ready to put on the market. Not my kind of vacation! When we are in Tulsa, I really look forward to going to birth mom support group on Tuesday nights with Isaiah's birth mom. At support group, we all go around the circle and share who we are, what's going on in our lives, etc. When it was my turn to share, the adoption director asked if we might be turning in another life book soon, and hinted that there was an infant coming later in the year, for which we might be a good fit. (Our adoption agency can always use Native American families, and I am Cherokee.) That was kind of neat to hear, but then Isaiah's birth mom responded to the whole group, with such authority "You know, I really do not think the Wicars will be adopting a baby. They are going to adopt a little girl, and she's going to be brown, and she's going to be like 2 or 3." It seemed a bit random, really. The rest of group was uneventful, and it finished up, and we all went home.

The very next day, the adoption agency received a call from a birth father. "Hi, my name is _____, and I am needing to make an adoption plan for my 3 year old daughter, Elizabeth." And when he told them that she was African American and Native American, everyone at the agency had a flashback to the night before and thought "Oh my gosh--the Wicars!" We met Elizabeth and her birth father for the first time that same evening.

Elizabeth was playing with toys in the room, while her birth father shared her story with us. It is a sad story that I will not write about in great detail, but it involves severe neglect, addiction, several months in foster care, and ends with Elizabeth being released from foster care, to a birth father who feels that adoption is the best option for his little girl. At one point, I got down on the floor to play with Elizabeth, and she came and sat in my lap, and whispered quietly in my ear, "I'm going home with you." It was amazing to meet her, and think "Oh my goodness, is this really our daughter?!" Isn't this picture of Zach and Elizabeth, just the sweetest?

So that is all I have time to write at the moment, but I will write part 2 of Elizabeth's adoption story soon. Thank you for reading, for caring about us, and for loving us through this wild and wonderful season!

Gratefully,

Kate