Elizabeth's adoption story (part 3)

When we arrived at my parents' house in Tulsa on Tuesday, July 15th, we could hardly think of anything besides the fact that we would be picking up Elizabeth on Thursday afternoon. It was still hard to grasp that this was really happening! We were so excited to see her again!

When we got to our meeting place on Thursday, Elizabeth was already playing up in a tunnel at the play area, and we sat down to talk with her birth father and his wife. We visited for about 30 minutes, before deciding to go our separate ways. Her birth father and his wife were easy to talk with, but Elizabeth was being a bit spunky and she could definitely tell something was up. My heart ached for her. 

She told us that she did not know us and that we were not her best friends. She told us that her fruit snacks were for her and her alone. Her birth father and his wife (who rarely see Elizabeth) said things like "We're so sorry, we've never seen her act like this before."

All the while, I'm thinking, "Yeah, right..." and at the same time, thinking to myself "This is actually a good sign. This is a normal response to a very abnormal situation."

When we were ready to go, Elizabeth's birth father handed me her small royal blue duffle bag. It was clearly something given to children in foster care, with a laminated tag that said "girl" and white words that said "my stuff" on the side of the bag. Inside was one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, a pair of sandals, one set of PJs, one dress, one shirt, one pair of leggings, and a small zipper bag with a tooth brush inside. Oh yes, there was a barbie too. I am pretty sure these are all of her belongings. Elizabeth is going to need a little trip to Target! ;)

We were hoping that getting her into her car seat in our car would not involve kicking and screaming, and curious looks from people in the parking lot, and thankfully it did not. Everything went smoothly. We took Elizabeth up to the counter at McDonalds and bought her a little yogurt (a "go-gurt" to be exact) and two extras to give Levi and Max, for when we got to Grammy and Papa's house. She was excited to give yogurt to "the boys." This would be her first time to meet Levi, Max, and Isaiah.

Elizabeth sucks on her third and fourth fingers when she is sleepy 

That first night, she played and wrestled, and laughed a lot.  (There is always a lot of wrestling on the living room floor when we are at my mom and dad's house!) Elizabeth is tough little girl, and loves to play outside. At one point, my brother Will walked in, and Elizabeth greeted him, by showing him the braids on the back of her head, and saying "see my pretty hair?" We were all amused by her little crush.

Elizabeth playing with cousin Grace at Isaiah's birthday party

At another point that evening, Max did not get his way, and was sulking on the couch, having a bit of a dramatic moment. Elizabeth walked right up to Max, put her finger (and her face) right close to his, and said authoritatively, "One...Two...Stop Cryin'!" It was hilarious. Max looked at her in complete shock like "Who are you, to tell me what to do?" But before long, they were playing together like close friends. Elizabeth's little southern accent is adorable, by the way. At one point she was playing with a Melissa and Doug transportation puzzle, when she picked up the chunky police car puzzle piece, and looked up and said "He gon' kill you." So funny! We tried to hold back our laughter and tears...we told her that police men were there to keep her safe, but she definitely wasn't buying that. Not for one minute. We'll come back to that later ;)

A family shot from Isaiah's party

When it was time to get ready for bed, I said to Elizabeth, "say goodnight to the boys." She went over to Max and looked him right in the eyes, and said "Goodnight....boy." Elizabeth was resistant about going to bed. Most children are reluctant to go to bed, but this was different. I couldn't help but wonder how many hours she spent in her crib as a baby, crying and crying. 

In our first meeting with him, Elizabeth's birth father told us that her needs often went unmet. She often went without food and was locked in her room, and stayed in dirty diapers for way too long. No one rocked her, so she learned to take care of herself. "She's a fighter," he said, with sadness in his voice. Elizabeth would put herself to sleep on a window ledge or in a closet. At one point her birth father said, "Her mom was supposed to take care of her, but she didn't." It was sad when I found myself thinking, "If only she could have been in an orphanage."

I laid down with Elizabeth that first night, and she did fine. I was so glad that she didn't push me away. She let me tickle her arm gently and sing to her. I sang "Jesus loves me" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She fell asleep and slept all night. Sweet relief. And she stayed dry all night too. Given her history, we were not necessarily expecting her to be fully potty-trained, but it's awesome that she is. Woohoo!

Elizabeth wanted to sleep with Levi and Max

The next two nights, we gave Elizabeth the option of sleeping on the pallet with Levi and Max, and she chose to sleep with them. They all did really well together. We couldn't believe how she fit right in. With the exception of crying when it was time to get ready for bed, Elizabeth did not throw one fit or anything the whole time she was with us. Not bad for a three year old! She did way better than what we were anticipating.

When Elizabeth meets new people, or when people approach her in a new environment, she might say "No way" or "I don't know you." It's a little awkward, but completely understandable at the same time. So, just a little piece of advice-- when you meet Elizabeth, just give her a little space and time.  Don't come up to her with arms outstretched. Give her five or ten minutes and let her be the one to offer you a hug, or come and sit on your lap.

Cuddle time with Grammy

We quickly became Elizabeth's safe haven. If she was scared, or if something was new or uncomfortable, we became the ones to which she would run for comfort.

Ice cream, as promised!

Additionally, Elizabeth was very sweet with Isaiah, or "zay-ah" as she would say. She was eager to help give him his bottles and pat him on the back, etc. She loved playing with Levi and Max, and at one point, when the kids were watching a show, she pointed over to Levi and said to me "He's my brother." Oh. my. heart.

A good big sister

Then, as we were walking out of the courthouse after Isaiah's adoption finalization, she grabbed Max's hand to hold it, and looked into his eyes, and said "You're my best friend." Max's eyes lit up, and he was thrilled and said, "Mom, did you hear Elizabeth? She said I'm her best friend!" They walked hand and hand all of the way to the car.

And it may go without saying, but we did not say things like "We are your new family" or "We are your mommy and daddy, and these are your brothers." No way. We will wait for all of that until we are further into the adoption process.

That being said, the second night we had Elizabeth, Zach was going out to the car to get the travel crib for Isaiah, and Elizabeth quickly grabbed her shoes and said "I want to go with Daddy!" Zach and I looked at each other, with eyes as big as saucers, like "Did she just say that?" After that night, we still referred to ourselves as "Zach" and "Kate" but she consistently called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." Wow.

On Sunday afternoon, we took Elizabeth back to our meeting place to give her back to her birth father. We got back in our car, and headed to Colorado just a few hours later. 

So what is the plan for our family now? Where do we go from here? Well, Isaiah and I are going to go Tulsa for two months (from August twenty-something to October twenty-something) to be with Elizabeth full-time. We need to wait for an October 9th court date to pass, before we can bring her home. Also, she does not have a safe place to live after August 19th, so my mom will watch her for a few days, then I will come out to be with her. 

Zach is going to stay here in Colorado with Levi and Max, and man, are we going to miss each other! Zach works some from home during the weekdays, but can take care of Levi and Max, Monday through Friday. And on the weekends, when Zach is working long hours, a small collection of dear friends, along with my brother Nick and his girlfriend, Brittany, will be taking turns caring for Levi and/or Max. The boys will be so excited about all of the sleepovers they get to have!  

Just playing in our backyard. Enjoying our last two weeks of "normal life." 

Zach will definitely be challenged in fixing three meals a day, packing lunches, and educating them (did I mention they are home schooled, except for one day a week?!) He'll do great though, and we will all make it through this season. I will be challenged as well, in letting go, and being okay with the fact that my boys may eat nothing besides nachos for two months, in living at our unfurnished rental home, that is on the market, and keeping it ready for showings at all times. As you can imagine, I have several checklists of things I need to do before I go, things I need to pack for Tulsa, things we need for Elizabeth, things I need to get in order for the boys' schooling, three home study visits to complete (when the social worker from the adoption agency comes to your house to check it out and to interview the adoptive family,) not to mention a visit from some of our sweet friends from Austin, Texas. I am a busy lady! And I am focused in a way that a laboring momma might be. I have not been as social as normal, and am just focusing on the path in front of me. While I have a lot on my plate, I am also trying to savor these last couple of weeks of us being together--our last days of being a family of five.

I will be staying in an unfurnished house, but my mom and dad will help hook us up with beds, a table, and a few dishes. We will be living out of plastic storage bins, which will be reminiscent of our time in Mozambique 3 years ago. 

Elizabeth does not appear to know her colors, or her alphabet, etc., so I am very excited to start doing some preschool with her. I am hoping she will let me read her lots of books, and that we can get her up to speed before Kindergarten starts in two years. What a blessing it is that we have two years to work with her!

Our family loves books!

In addition to hanging out with Isaiah and Elizabeth, I have no other plans for my time in Tulsa. So,  Tulsa friends, if you should invite me over for a play date, or for dinner, my answer will be "yes!" I would love to come and spend time with you and your family! I will be busy in some ways, but quite lonely in others. Adult conversation will be so good for my heart!

I will be treasuring my time with Elizabeth and Isaiah, but at the same time, I will be aching for home and for my family, and for what is sure to be a gorgeous autumn in Colorado.

It is going to be an exciting day, when we are finally granted permission from the state of Oklahoma to bring Elizabeth home, and are able to all be together again.

When we came home from Oklahoma in mid-July, I said to Levi, "Elizabeth does not have a loving family to live with. Do you think we might be able to be a good family for her?" He responded immediately "Of course we can! We can totally be her family."

So, there you have it. That is the whole story. I will write another post when we get settled in Tulsa.

Thank you for reading part 3! Your encouraging words mean the world to us. Thank you for sharing in this crazy journey! :)

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 2)

If you have not read part one of Elizabeth's adoption story, you are welcome to read it here. I will pick up where I left off with Elizabeth's story. We were finishing up the meeting at the adoption agency, and it was clear that Elizabeth's father felt we were the perfect family for his little girl. The meeting had gone as well as it possibly could.

Before we left the building, Elizabeth motioned that she wanted to tell me something, so I leaned down and she smiled and said, "I like ice cream." I told her that I liked ice cream too, and suggested we get ice cream together next time we see each other. Elizabeth seemed pleased with this plan, and as we were walking out to our cars with her birth father that evening, I said "It's funny, but 'Elizabeth' is actually my middle name." He got a huge smile on his face, and said, "I'm telling you, I really feel that this was all just meant to be." Okay, so I realize Elizabeth is a fairly common middle name for little girls born in 1980, but still, it's a detail we couldn't help but notice, especially since our five year old "Max" has my husband Zach's middle name. We left the meeting that night and went to pick up Levi, Max and Isaiah from our friends' house. Thank you Nathan and Shannon Phillips, for the wonderful chicken taco dinner, and for being so kind to watch our boys during our first meeting with Elizabeth! Our family of five drove back to my parents' house that night, filled with wonder, excitement, and many more questions than answers.

For the next couple of days, Elizabeth's birth father and I texted back and forth, and then one afternoon, we were texting, and I sent him a message, and did not get a response. I did not hear back from him that day, or that week, or for the rest of the month. I was so thankful that I had at least taken a quick picture of Elizabeth with my phone, because if I hadn't, the whole meeting and this sweet little girl would have seemed like nothing more than a dream. It was evident that God brought the whole thing together--the timing of events was incredible.

But would we ever hear from the birth father again? It was completely out of our hands. I had tons of questions. Why did he stop texting? I couldn't think of anything "wrong" that I said or did. Our conversation stopped abruptly. Did something happen? Did she have a significant bruise that needed to heal before we could see her again? Did he change his mind about wanting to place her for adoption? Was she taken back into DHS custody and placed with a foster family? Will we ever see her again? 

After a couple of weeks of not hearing from him, I emailed the adoption agency and gave them an update, telling them I felt it was unlikely we would ever hear from him again. Zach and I committed in our hearts to praying for Elizabeth- praying that she would know God's love and that He would keep her safe. We resolved to think that perhaps this was the purpose in our meeting her, to pray for her. We comforted ourselves, saying it would have probably been a very difficult road to parent a child who had been through so much, anyway. But something still felt unsettled. When God is writing a story, it should not end after chapter one, you know?

Life went on as normal and in late June (about two weeks after our initial encounter with Elizabeth) we received the news that we were going to be able to finalize Isaiah's adoption (in Tulsa) on his first birthday, July 18th. We weren't exactly thrilled about the idea of another long road trip, only one month after our last trip to Tulsa, but we were thrilled to have a date on the calendar for Isaiah's adoption finalization. Adoption days are a big deal, partly because the child goes into the court room with one last name, and comes out with with the adoptive family's last name.  It is a day to celebrate!

After not hearing anything from Elizabeth's birth father for quite some time, we started to move on with our lives, enjoy the summer, and plan yet another trip to Tulsa. We decided we would leave for Tulsa on July 16th and come back home on the 20th.

On July 15th, I was upstairs packing for the trip, and I heard my phone chime, indicating I had received a text message. I finished up what I was doing, and obediently came down to check my phone a few minutes later.

It was him! It was Elizabeth's birth father. I had three text messages from him, apologizing for the lack of contact, and explaining how he had run out of minutes, then lost his phone, etc. "Zach!" I exclaimed. "It's Elizabeth's birth father. He says he still definitely wants to place Elizabeth with us, if we are still willing." And that is the moment our lives turned upside down, and for real this time. I texted him back and told him yes, that we would still be very excited to add Elizabeth to our family. Then I texted, "It's kind of funny, but we are actually leaving for Tulsa tomorrow and will be there through the weekend." He was amazed at the timing of everything, and we were too.


We were going to get to see her again! And this time we would get to spend three days and three nights with her. What would she be like? How would she get along with the boys? Would she do okay? While I was disappointed in myself for letting go of hope during that phase of our journey, I committed to letting my love outweigh my fear for the remainder of Elizabeth's adoption journey. It is clear that God has a plan for Elizabeth, and for our family. We are simply saying "yes!" to being part of that plan. We are saying yes to the good and the bad, yes to hard days, difficult moments, and to the beautiful redemption that will make it all so worth it.

We are confident that God has placed Elizabeth in our family, and that He will give us everything we need to be the parents (and family) she needs. It is going to be awesome! Part 3 of Elizabeth's adoption story will be fun to write, because I have some sweet stories about our three days together. You will get a glimpse of Elizabeth's fun personality and I will also share what the next few months are going to look like for our family. Thank you for adventuring with us and for cheering us on! We are thankful for each one of you.

Gratefully,

Kate

Elizabeth's adoption story (part 1)

How it all began- So it's funny, but back in October of 2013, my photographer friend Shannon Kaple Photographer took a beautiful picture of our family, with our newly adopted baby boy, Isaiah.  

One day in mid November, Shannon delivered the canvass, and we hung it up on the wall. Every time I walked by it, I felt so blessed to have a professional picture of our family. But let me tell you, there was something strange about that picture. I told Zach later that night, "I almost can't even look at that new picture on our wall, because it is kind of freaking me out. When I look at it, I see a little girl (about 2 years old) standing to the left of Levi. She's brown, and she's wearing a light dress, either white, or a pale yellow." I told a few of my close friends, and just thought it was really weird.

 

Back in May of 2013, when we were chosen to be Isaiah's parents, we promised his birth mom that we would adopt another child that was either African, or African-American. It was very important to her. Was she not so wise and loving to make that request of us?! She wants Isaiah to have someone in his family that looks a little bit like him. She would tell me, "I know you've always wanted to adopt a little girl from Africa, but I'm pretty sure she's coming from Oklahoma, and I think she's going to be older than Isaiah." Well, that's nice and everything, and we would be totally open to that, but the agency we work with does not do a lot of "older child" adoptions, I'd say maybe one every two or three years. And the chance of the child being a girl, and being African-American, and her birth family choosing us--well, it just seemed impossible. Can I just say how I love that Isaiah's birth mom has been such a big part of this story. She's awesome!

So, let's fast forward to June 10th, 2014. Our family had traveled from Colorado to Tulsa, Oklahoma, for the dreaded task getting our rental property near TU (University of Tulsa) ready to put on the market. Not my kind of vacation! When we are in Tulsa, I really look forward to going to birth mom support group on Tuesday nights with Isaiah's birth mom. At support group, we all go around the circle and share who we are, what's going on in our lives, etc. When it was my turn to share, the adoption director asked if we might be turning in another life book soon, and hinted that there was an infant coming later in the year, for which we might be a good fit. (Our adoption agency can always use Native American families, and I am Cherokee.) That was kind of neat to hear, but then Isaiah's birth mom responded to the whole group, with such authority "You know, I really do not think the Wicars will be adopting a baby. They are going to adopt a little girl, and she's going to be brown, and she's going to be like 2 or 3." It seemed a bit random, really. The rest of group was uneventful, and it finished up, and we all went home.

The very next day, the adoption agency received a call from a birth father. "Hi, my name is _____, and I am needing to make an adoption plan for my 3 year old daughter, Elizabeth." And when he told them that she was African American and Native American, everyone at the agency had a flashback to the night before and thought "Oh my gosh--the Wicars!" We met Elizabeth and her birth father for the first time that same evening.

Elizabeth was playing with toys in the room, while her birth father shared her story with us. It is a sad story that I will not write about in great detail, but it involves severe neglect, addiction, several months in foster care, and ends with Elizabeth being released from foster care, to a birth father who feels that adoption is the best option for his little girl. At one point, I got down on the floor to play with Elizabeth, and she came and sat in my lap, and whispered quietly in my ear, "I'm going home with you." It was amazing to meet her, and think "Oh my goodness, is this really our daughter?!" Isn't this picture of Zach and Elizabeth, just the sweetest?

So that is all I have time to write at the moment, but I will write part 2 of Elizabeth's adoption story soon. Thank you for reading, for caring about us, and for loving us through this wild and wonderful season!

Gratefully,

Kate

"Precious"

So, last night we rejoined Netflix and picked out the movie Precious, which was recommended due to our interest in Juno, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, and Slumdog Millionaire. Should we lighten up a little, or what? :)

I've actually always enjoyed movies that make me feel, that make me cry or nearly cry. I go months and months, and at times, even a year without crying, so I think that watching movies that are filled to the brim with intense emotions is somehow therapeutic for me.

The film Precious is very well-made and the acting is phenomenal. The content is more than disturbing, but it was worth it (to me), to experience the discomfort. Precious is the story of a pregnant teenage girl in Harlem who grows up in an abusive home and her experiences in life and in an alternative school.

It actually hit really close to home with some of the situations that I saw as a NICU and pediatric nurse, and especially now in the work I do with the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. As a new graduate RN, working in the NICU, I remember preparing for a C-section of a 12 year old girl who had been raped by her father. Ugh.

And later on as a Pediatric nurse, I handed a starved (I believe she was a 19 pound almost 5 year old) little girl to the social workers after our suspicions of abuse and neglect had been confirmed.

Oh, and the little boy that had cigarette burns all over his scrotum and how he didn't even know how to be held. And how his sister had been thrown against the wall too hard.

I think that it is so easy to live in my little bubble, you know, and to forget about the hurting all around me. I really appreciated the film Precious and it overwhelmed me in a good way...I feel overwhelmed with compassion and feel more and more that I want to spend my life making a difference, and getting out of my comfortable, loving little bubble that I so often find myself in.

And it makes me realize how absolutely head over heels I am with adoption too. A generous and loving family can make all of the difference in the world and can break so many cycles of abuse, addiction, poverty, etc. Sometimes I can fall into a mentality that Domestic adoptions are not really as significant as International ones, you know real orphans...but seeing Precious refreshed my perspective and I am really okay with whatever way God chooses to bring children into our family. And right now, I am especially enjoying seeing other families add to their homes through adoption :) It's such a thrill to my heart. And if you are reading this and ever have a question about adoption or CPO, or anything like that feel free to contact me. My email address is communicatewithkate@gmail.com.

I really want to believe that the girl's experiences (in the film) are exaggerated and very rare, but I know that is not true at all. Injustices and abuse are happening not only in Thailand, Vietnam, and the Congo, but they are happening probably less than a mile from my home. Watching Precious makes me want to always have a room in our home that we have available for a girl or a family in need. I think that would be a great thing to accomplish in 2011.

Love,
Kate

Our First Doll!

Okay, so maybe they didn't need a doll, but our boys do like playing with dolls on occasion, and this one seemed just perfect. Last Sunday, we were watching the babies in the church nursery and we kept our boys with us. Levi was pushing three different dolls in full-size swings and said, "Momma, when I have a little sister, I am going to give her a kiss, a big tight hug, and a little (tiny voice) bit of cereal." The baby doll will be a gift for Levi's 3rd birthday and hopefully by the time his little sister arrives, he will be anxious to give it to her. Until then, the doll will probably spend most of her time riding on a Tonka Fire Engine :) Zach and I are talking more and more about our little Ethiopian princess, and something tells me we will be starting the process very soon. We're excited.

Love,
Kate

Video of an Abortion Survivor

While we were visiting Colorado, our friends Matt and Sarah asked what inspired us to adopt domestically. We said that since we are pro-life, and that we are in essence, saying to girls, "You shouldn't have an abortion," that it feels right to be part of the solution--to provide a reasonable alternative to a girl who doesn't feel right about having an abortion, but who also feels she is not in a place to give her child a loving and stable home. Our friends were really supportive and said that our conversation reminded them of this video:



Is she incredible, or what? Wow.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this or not, but I spent a lot of time in my early 20's having a lot of passion, but not necessarily knowing how to best use it. I wanted to serve, to make a difference, but I didn't know where to plug in. Now that I live in Tulsa, The Crisis Pregnancy Outreach

http://crisispregnancyoutreach.org

has provided a great place for me to plug in. I am pretty busy at home with my almost 3 year old and my 18 month old, but I do enjoy volunteering (with my kids) for a few hours a month in the CPO office, giving rides to and from doctors' appointments, and have begun mentoring a young lady.

One does not have to be an adoptive mom or have any special experience to give a ride or to mentor a girl, so if you are interested in volunteering, check out crisispregnancyoutreach.org. Adopting is wonderful, but a person doesn't have to adopt to make a difference. Giving rides to girls without vehicles provides an excellent opportunity to listen to and encourage a girl who has no one else--usually no mom, no boyfriend, etc and to show her love during such a challenging season of life.

In Tulsa alone, there is an average of 10 abortions each business day (250 babies per month.) How wonderful for us, as Christians to stand up for those who have no voice and to support and encourage the girls who have the courage to give these babies life. CPO provides free counseling for life for all of the birth mothers and offers a doula to attend each birth, and can you believe that in 27 years of operation, no one has ever received a salary?! Yeah, I think CPO is pretty wonderful :)

On a side note, you may know that we have one biological child and one adopted child. The other night Zach asked me, "Do you still see us adopting three children?" I replied, "Yes. A total of three. One down, two to go." Then he said with such a sincere voice, "But Max doesn't count."

That's sweet and everything, but I don't think we need that many kids :)

Love,
Kate

I love my birth mother

This past Saturday was the annual Birth Mothers Day celebration at the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. It is a great event that celebrates birth mothers for the courageous (and unselfish) decisions they made when faced with crisis pregnancy.

I was particularly encouraged by one of the speakers. She placed her baby boy for (closed) adoption in the 1950's and met him for the first time in 2006. Upon meeting him, she was delighted to learn that her birth son's adoptive parents had always taught him to love for and pray for his birth mother. How beautiful! (Today she and her birth son have a great relationship.) I wrote a letter to Max today in a little journal I've started for him, and I told him of my dreams for him. This was one of them- that he would always remember and love and pray for his birth mother. He even has a t-shirt that says "I (heart) my birth mother." So cute. (Thanks Etsy)

Love,
Kate

Isaiah 49:15 Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I'd never forget you—never. Look, I've written your names on the backs of my hands. The walls you're rebuilding are never out of my sight.

Homemade Banner

I made this little banner yesterday for Max's adoption day celebration and I think it turned out alright, except for one little thing. I keep looking at it out of the corner of my eye and thinking it says, "Happy abortion day max." I never noticed how similar the two words are, which is weird, considering my nerdy scrabble ways. To make the banner, I used note cards, glue, mini-clothes pins, and jute, all compliments of an old Hobby Lobby gift card.

Yesterday we were at the grocery store and a woman (maybe in her 60's) came up to the boys and I and said, "I don't mean to pry, but do your boys have the same daddy?" I said, "That's quite alright, no they do not. This one is adopted and he is simply wonderful." That was the first time someone asked me about the same daddy thing. Now, several people have asked me if they are twins, which strikes me as a bit odd. But, most people just say, "Wow, you've got your hands full."

Oh, and one funny thing. Levi looks at the cashier as she's giving us our receipt and says, "I appreciate you." Ha! Who does he think he is, anyway?

Love,
Kate

One year ago today

I cannot believe a year has passed already! March 22nd, 2009 was the day we met Max's birth parents. April's due date was March 25th! That was one wildly exciting week. I described the meeting in one of my first posts: http://godlytomatoes.blogspot.com/2009/10/maxs-story.html I sent April a text today telling her that I was thinking of her and Todd and that we love them very much. We are having Todd's parents over for dinner tomorrow night...something we do every now and then. They are so sweet. Last night we (Max's biological grandma and I) were texting back and forth and I told her some little things that Max is doing, and told her that he is so smart and funny and that we feel like we hit the baby lotto. She replied, "I am so happy he has you for a mom. You are truly a gift. I never have to worry about my sweet little grandson." And She and her husband adore Levi just as much as they do Max. We really lucked out with a great birth family. We don't see them as often as we'd like (about every 3 months,) but they really are wonderful.

Pics we are sending to Max's birth-parents

Dear Birth-parents

People are always very curious about our relationship with Max's birth parents. So, I thought I would post a letter that I am sending to them in the mail this week. Every 3 months, we send 10-15 pictures and a little update. Here it is:

Dear April and Todd,

We are glad to hear that you guys are doing well. Todd, we missed seeing you in December. Sorry we ended up coming to visit while you were working. Here is the latest on what is happening with us:

Just recently, Zach decided to take his career in a different direction. He will complete his MBA (Masters in Business) this year and while he really enjoys the study of medicine, he doesn't like being away from our family so much. We both feel very peaceful with the decision and are already enjoying more time together. He will continue to work full-time as a registered nurse while he completes his masters degree.

I am still enjoying being at home with the boys and am grateful that the weather is starting to warm up. The boys keep me on my toes! Levi likes to take things away from Max and says, "My turn!" He receives discipline for this and says, "Sorry, Max."

Max is a super happy little guy and he's tough too. I don't think he'll have any problem holding his own. He loves to eat and isn't picky. He loves all sorts of things. We've recently discovered that he really likes salmon. He will roar like a lion if you ask him to and he cries when he sees men with beards :-)

Max and Levi have been watching a couple of little sign language videos and Max is already catching on. He's a smart little guy. The boys love splashing in the bath and playing and hugging in Max's crib right before bedtime. Levi is always looking out for Max. When Max starts waking up from his morning nap, Levi will say, "Max awake mommy. Max needs a bottle." Max has been very healthy. He has had a couple of mild colds, but no fevers, no rashes, no food allergies, or anything like that. He is doing great. He has his two bottom teeth now and wants to try everything that we are eating.

Well, we love you guys and hope you enjoy the new pics. As always, thank you for choosing us to be Max's parents. We take the job seriously and try to provide the very best environment possible for him. He is absolutely adored by all of us.

All our love,

Zach, Kate, Levi, and Max

Max's story

We had always wanted to adopt....even before we were married, we agreed it was something we both wanted to do. We had only considered international adoption though, as we thought it would be easier not to have to "deal with" an open adoption. It is amazing how God changed our hearts in that department. We ended up having major fertility issues and after almost 7 years of marriage, our first miracle, Levi Christian was born in November of 2007. Even when I was pregnant with Levi, I dreamed about the children we might someday adopt. In November of 2008, Zach and I heard a whisper from God and felt like he was telling us to turn in our application to adopt to the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach here in Tulsa. At the time, our biological son, Levi had just turned one, so we thought it seemed a wee bit hasty...but we obeyed, because (as it turns out) His timing is rarely our timing. There were a lot of questions on our part...and we were not sure our application would be accepted since our plan for the next few years involes zero income...and Zach's being a full-time medical student, but we went ahead and turned in our application. We got our acceptance letter the week before Christmas and were so excited. In the coming weeks, I worked on our "life book." A life book is basically a scrapbook about your family, featuring how you met, how you came to know Jesus, what you are passionate about, why you want to adopt, etc. This is how the birth mom chooses the family she wants to raise her baby. We turned in our life book in the middle of February...and we did not know it at the time, but almost immediately it was given to a young couple to review. On March 12th, we had our home study completed. (A 3 hour long interview/examination of your house performed by a social worker.) We knew at this point that we would likely have a baby within a year. Eight days later, on March 20, a little after 10:30 pm, we were sitting in the living room reading...when we got "the call." We were told that there was a girl named April and a guy named Todd that had chosen us and that our little BOY was due on March 25th or perhaps April 4th....but either way...it looked like we were going to have a baby VERY SOON!!
We tried not to get our hopes up, knowing that sometimes these things fall through. But, it is sort of impossible to guard your heart at times like these. At the time of the call, we knew very little about the birth parents. We knew that the birth father was Native American and that this was his first child. And that Todd's father was not supportive of the adoption. We knew that the birth mother was a teenager and already had a 14 month old little girl. That Sunday, March 22th we met April and Todd for the first time. Having no idea what to expect, I must say we were a little relieved when they showed up, as they were so cute and "normal" looking. April is fair with light brown hair, blue eyes and gorgeous dimples. I love dimples. Todd is fairly tall and athletic, with a dark complexion, with short dark wavy hair, and brown eyes. I thought for sure our new little boy would have his coloring and her dimples.
As we sat at Panera bread with our wonderful mentor Jeanette (a volunteer from the adoption agency) and this very pregnant young couple, we beamed with excitement and begin to ask them all kinds of questions. What kind of music do you like? What do you do for fun? Do you have any brothers and sisters? What questions do you have for us? Is there anything in our book that seemed weird? Have you thought about baby names? Speed dating at its finest. We found out later that they were very surprised that we were so interested in them (not just the baby) and they said that for the first time since July's positive pregnancy test, they had a sense of peace and KNEW that we were the ones. We visited for about 3 hours and by the time we left, we were already in love...with this baby and his birth parents. I went home and wrote in a new journal I had started for the adoption process. Then I started washing our newborn clothes and thinking of things we might need for the new baby. At the time, Levi (16 months) was receiving all of his liquid from breast milk and was not interested in taking a sippy cup. Especially a sippy cup with milk. So, it became my mission to speed-wean him and pump milk for the baby until he arrived. A straw cup with whole milk and a shot of very vanilla soy milk for kids turned out to be the winning combination. I continued to nurse Levi a couple times a day until he was 18 months old.
The waiting was the hardest part. We waited and waited and waited. On March 20th we were told he was due any day. On April 1st, still no baby. April kept saying "April is not going to have a baby in April." If I went several days without seeing her, my mind would wander...."maybe she had the baby...and just didn't have the heart to tell the agency..." Within a week of finding out about him, we were all calling him "Max." It was one of the names we mentioned at the initial meeting, and they really liked it, and it stuck. Max is Zach's middle name, and we really liked the idea of giving him a family name. It has been in Zach's family for several generations.
The waiting wouldn't have been so hard if we had a closer relationship that had existed for more than a few days, but it was hard. I wanted to be with the baby...it felt weird to be across town and not to know...anything. Also, I didn't want to bother April, knowing she must be so tired. 9 months pregnant and chasing around a 14 month old. Beyond tired. We would text back and forth...usually a few exchanges back and forth per day. And at that point I was such a slow texter. So much better now :) Thanks, April!
On April 9th, I was feeling particularly anxious and we decided to have dinner and play Settlers of Catan with our good friends Brian and Sarah. We had a great time and got some much-needed distraction. We came home around two in the morning and started to get ready for bed. I was washing my face at 2:15, and the phone rang!!! Immediately, we knew. April could hear me squealing and saying "oh my gosh" in the background. Her friend Karen (who is like a mother to her) told us they were checking into the hospital and that April was dilated to a 5-6. We were soooo excited. This was really happening. 17 days after the March 25th due date she had been given twice. We called my parents and my dad arrived about 30 minutes later to stay at our house with Levi. I reapplied the make-up I was washing off and Zach and I ran around, making sure we had everything we needed for the hospital stay. We arrived at the hospital a little after 3 am and were told that she was already dilated to a 7-8. By 4 am, she was dilated to a 10, but Max had corkscrewed a little. Her epidural was working nicely and she and Todd took a nice long nap. We didn't :) We waited excitedly in the cold waiting room, and my mom came and waited with us. We prayed and hoped and knew that any minute, someone could walk through those double doors and ask us if we were ready to meet our son.
Max was born on April 10th (or very Good Friday, as we like to call it) at 8:38 am. I was given a hospital bracelet with the word "father" on it and invited to wait right outside the delivery room until April was in a modest position. I was shaking. And I could hear my son crying. I will never forget that day. Max was having some mild respiratory distress, so the nurse took me, Zach, and little Max to the transitional nursery to give him oxygen and a respiratory therapist suctioned the fluid out of his lungs. He did great and within a couple of hours, we were resting in our own hospital room, admiring our new son. He was beautiful. Strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, long fingers, full lips...so different than the little boy I pictured when we first met April and Todd. In fact, he looked very much like what I thought Levi was going to look like. Levi has brown hair, dark hazel eyes, and a light olive complexion. It's true, you just never know.
Our hospital room was next-door to April and Todd's hospital room. Max stayed with us and nursed and slept, and April and Todd spent a lot of time resting, but they would request his presence on occasion, at which point we would wheel him over and let them visit. There were a few little rough patches during the hospital stay, but all in all, it was a good experience. My mom even came with a waffle maker and batter and made us fresh waffles with strawberries and whipped cream in our hospital room. Seriously, she is amazing. And it was our first time to be away from Levi overnight, but he did great. We took Max home on Easter sunday and that was emotional. Per hospital policy, April was holding Max as the nurse pushed her wheelchair through the hospital. It was raining and April and I waited for Zach and Todd to pull up the vehicles. When it was time, she handed me this sweet bundle. There were no words. "Thank you" came to mind...but seemed cheap. "Take care?" So we said nothing, or maybe we said "We'll talk to you soon," but whatever the case, it was dramatic and when I got into the passenger's seat, I couldn't hold back the tears. They were for April and Todd. I just couldn't imagine what they must have been going through. And how strong and collected they were throughout the process. And for how much we had come to love them both. We love you Max and will always honor your birth parents for the difficult and selfless decisions they made. Your name suits you perfectly, as you truly are "The Greatest Gift from God."